Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

and now we wait

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

🐕🍷

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work