Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

Need this in my life lol

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”