Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

who wants to go expliring

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

the answer was staring at me all along

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.