Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

White Castle for the Win

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson