Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

Is….Is this an option?

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.