Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead