Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count