Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

Seals are just dog mermaids.

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”