Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

I’ll be mad as hell!

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza