LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
good work, everybody
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
