LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Bread puns are on the rise!
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
