Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
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November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere