Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
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Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
The internet is full of many things
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Only short people can save us
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.