Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

Roses are red, you always mattered,

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

Two types of dogs.

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird