Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
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Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.