Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I need this for my side hustle.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Somebody’s lying.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.