Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.