LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
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Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”