LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
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What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂