LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
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Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
some Old Testament wisdom
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes