‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
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Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.