‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
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I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*