Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?

Me:

H:

Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ