Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
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*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight