Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i had a bf i’d be a gf

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.