Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.


I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter


her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen


INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?


People who tweet in riddles need to know I’m not Batman.


What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”


Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.


The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.


Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]