The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
You Might Also Like
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
People who tweet in riddles need to know I’m not Batman.
“I need to get laid man!”nn- eggs (in the chicken)
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]