Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
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Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.