Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
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To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.