Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Me: ‘I miss you.’

The Point: ‘No shit.’

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words