Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
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Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Deer are just ballerina dogs
three things we don’t talk about
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.