My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
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“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco