[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
me
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles