Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

My dad.

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.