*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
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Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar