*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
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[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath