Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

⚠️ Important Reminder:

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.