Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”