*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
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My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.