*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
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Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.