Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

wut hotdog?

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.