Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.