[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
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Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand