[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
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After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently