[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
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I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Man these end times are taking forever
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
The Punning Dead.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.