Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

I drew y’all a little something.

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey