Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers