[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
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I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Get in loser we’re going crying
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad