[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
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If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW