Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.