Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

always be there

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.