Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG