Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*