Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.