Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

greetings!

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

So true for me

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

wtf management?!

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁