Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
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Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
the chicken was already gone when I got here
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️