Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

Speak now or ever hold your peace

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Jogging

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

Me: Eat over your plate.

8-year-old: I am.

Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?

8: Gravity.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

🤣🤣🤣

By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.