Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

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Password expired
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Password ex…

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them