Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

Don’t tell me what to do

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?

me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

This guy’s not having it 😆

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

good let them take over I have had enough

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.