[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
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Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.