Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”

New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”