Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter