Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.

I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky