[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
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Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.