Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.