Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old