Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

“Sheer Arrogance”

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours