Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay