@rebrafsim

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

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@ThisOneSayz

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

@suecorvette

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

@chairmanMAO_92

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

@MelKassel

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

@themiltron

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

@lisaxy424

teenage me: why do old people like birds so much lol like get a cooler hobby nerds

me now: THAT ONE IS A RED HOUSE FINCH AND OH LISTEN YOU CAN HEAR THE NORTHERN FLICKER OVER THERE HEY LOOK THE GRACKLES ARE BACK

@TylerLinkin

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

@colleen_eileen

Good afternoon. Coworker Z just spotted exiting the bathroom…with a bag of chips. Bless.

@realHamOnWry

Uber plans to buy 24,000 self-driving cars from Volvo, which means passengers will now have to abuse and assault themselves.

@TitansHomer

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!