6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
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I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
teenage me: why do old people like birds so much lol like get a cooler hobby nerds
me now: THAT ONE IS A RED HOUSE FINCH AND OH LISTEN YOU CAN HEAR THE NORTHERN FLICKER OVER THERE HEY LOOK THE GRACKLES ARE BACK
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Good afternoon. Coworker Z just spotted exiting the bathroom…with a bag of chips. Bless.
Uber plans to buy 24,000 self-driving cars from Volvo, which means passengers will now have to abuse and assault themselves.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!