[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
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Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Good advice.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl