Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.

She said yes.

Part ways through the first episode she asks:

“I wonder when we meet Evan.”

I asked, who?

She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.