Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…