Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

It kinda feels like this rn

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil