[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
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I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
