Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has