Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
You Might Also Like
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
started wrapping my pills in cheese
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Wait for it
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?