Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

i think my razor is having a panic attack

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

Gemma Correll

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!