Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
You Might Also Like
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)