Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
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How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
🔦🌙👣
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents