Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
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My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
584.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks