Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist